Jack Russell Bill of Rights

I am a Jack Russell Terrier. You, my owner, are required to provide me with food, water and shelter.

It’s really not too much to ask, is it? And legally you have agreed to this contract by getting me in the first place. 

The fine print

1. where “food” entails top-of-the-line balanced dog food as well as table food to be shared while you are making or devouring food yourself, a steady diet of organics on the beach as well as in the woods, and the opportunity to try to ‘take down’ my own dinner. Occasional supply of garbage beside the road and cat poo from the yard. Deer poo is acceptable when seasonally available. A walk through the MacDonald’s parking lot and the park bleachers should be provided at least weekly with snacking opportunities. 
2. where “water” means a steady supply of crystal clear water in a clean bowl in the house.  Daily opportunity to drink from at least 6 different puddles or swamps but lakes may be acceptable.  Also, “water” implies access to warmer water (>15 degrees C) for swimming weekly in the summer, with easy in- and out- access from a beach and provided during or after at least 2 hours of rigourous free roaming exercise. Does not refer to rain, we don’t like it and you don’t need to make it rain for us. Please stop it. Sufficient “water” also requires you to provide a nice warm tubby after a long run in the mud, then a dry-off with a soft but firm towel prior to “food” and “shelter”. 
3. where “shelter” means a house with a couch that affords a clear view of the nearby road or other area with significantly interesting activity. The couch should have at least one soft blanket that can be dug into the appropriate shape and the house should be warm, preferably with a fireplace near said couch. Appropriate nighttime shelter implies access to your bed where I may sleep under the covers if it is colder and in the middle of the bed, not at the edge.  

Should the above conditions not be met to my satisfaction the following will be substituted:

1. “food” means your couch. With remote control and the fancy underwear accidentally lodged under the cushions. You may need to contact a veterinarian regarding the non-digestible fancy underwear. 
2. “water” implies my right to urinate on your favourite new shoes. 
3. and “shelter” means I get to hide under the bed after performing acts 1. and 2.